14 - growingnglowing - Anxiety
I have been thinking about writing a lot lately. The more I think about it the more overwhelming it seems because I have so much in this big head of mine. It has been excruciatingly long since I have sat down and splattered my words all over a page. I have overcome a few battles in the time that I have been away, and we will not dive into all of them in this moment, but I would certainly love to share new lessons and experiences with you all.
I realized I have more of a platform than I initially thought when I posted about writing again on Instagram, and it was slightly shocking to me. It was extremely encouraging at the time.. and then I became riddled with anxiety each time I even thought to open up the website. But we are here now, and I am very excited to have this back as a part of my life. The biggest way anxiety manifests for me is my chest being so heavy I feel as though I cannot catch a full breath and haven’t been able to in some time. It’s slightly painful if I cannot relax after a while, and it is extremely distracting. I speak with very little air and constantly feel like I am gasping for the breath of air that will hold me over for the next few moments. I have felt this way for the last four days up until this post, and I am experiencing it now as I am rambling on. I think it’s important to note this because it gives you a real idea of the amount of things I feel I’ve bottled, and the things I am constantly playing over in my mind. Usually I actually don’t have much of an issue with this but my anxiety started to come hang around a lot more during the third trimester of my pregnancy. Yes, I know. What the hell? Since when? With who? All the spicy details I am sure everyone wants me to write about. We will get there, I promise, and I am both eager AND reluctant to. Essentially, in the third trimester of my pregnancy, nearing the end when you’re finally getting over the ‘cuteness’ and moving into the ‘get the hell out of me’ I had a scary little incident where my placenta slightly detached from my uterine wall, and caused a whole bunch of bleeding that at that time, you’re obviously not supposed to get. The anxiety stemmed from the ultrasounds they wanted to put me in for weekly to monitor our little situation. I had never had an issue up until that point, however I became so anxious at each ultrasound, that even lying down on the table I came within seconds of fainting. The good news is that everything worked out and I was able to hold out until the end of my pregnancy. My anxiety and I hang out every once and a while now, she likes to keep me on my feet. She doesn’t like to stay long and that’s okay since she’s always teaching me and nurturing me into who I am supposed to be.
I think we should do a rundown of the list of things we can talk about that are having an impact on my life, my experiences and my progression & regression as well.
BABY
Travel
Mental health & Self awareness
Gratitude
BUSINESS
Microdosing
Relationships
Growing n Glowing baby
Clearly, Kinglsey is the biggest topic I could ever talk about. I spent 11 weeks out of the previous year travelling. I flip flopped into and out of therapy when I realized I have all the resources I need to maintain a healthy standard of mental health and self awareness. Gratitude is one of the biggest lessons, if not THE biggest lesson I have been learning lately. Business has me more motivated and creative than ever and that has some slight ties to micro-dosing. Relationships will always be something I continuously learn from and navigate and I always want to share how every relationship and interaction we involve ourselves in impacts our whole lives and energies. Lastly, what a better way to be growing and glowing than with a beautiful 4 month old boy by my side teaching me and loving me as much as he needs me to do the same for him.
Welcome back.