13 - growingnglowing - Lately

I’m starting to hate being up and having my brain operating on high this late, but I had this started at maybe 11pm so let’s just roll. Lately I’ve been emotional. That’s not a bad thing. I think it’s just something that’s happening to me as I navigate my brain and my life.

Lately I have been healing and revealing to myself all at once. As I learn to break patterns I attached to from traumas and experiences I am also resurfacing old perspectives and feelings I had about life, as well as forming new ones. I have always said I look at life so optimistically but I stopped living that way once I was burned by it so many times. I wouldn’t have admitted that to you though. You see, I am strong for what I’ve been through and I am confident in that, I just can’t work entirely through it yet, and recognize that does take time, as it has been. What I am scared of the most, is that because I am still working through my own things, they still impact me negatively sometimes, and that to me just feels like I still have a sense of ‘darkness’ around them. And I don’t want to spread that darkness to you guys! My goal is to share my journeys and lessons with you guys around day to day, and around mental health, and lifestyle. You may not learn the lessons I do if you do not understand me and how my brain works, that is what I am scared of.

As I am writing I am feeling a lot of things at once. Sometimes, like right now, writing pains me more than it relaxes me. It’s the kind of pain that forces me to think out how I am feeling. Forces me to examine what I can do to take care of myself in these moments. That’s hard. I am still learning how to do that. I am okay, but lately I'm lying in bed every day sleeping until 2pm, binge eating, staying up late, binge watching tv, sinking into the feeling of feeling unwell physically, so I’m sad, but I’m surviving. I know it will change eventually, something will, but lately I’ve just been taking on that extra feeling. That’s a habit I learned that I have. Sometimes, I welcome the extra upset into my life. I let it stay because I know I want to be inside and alone. I know that I want my phone on do not disturb, I know I want to feel peace and only have my own thoughts to think about. I think a lot. I would be lying if at least 50% of my day was not my brain on high thinking about what I know and feel and how to cope with that. How to edit that, how to escape that. I am always trying to think of the ways in which I am effected so that I can not let those things effect me. I know that if I go out I am not spending that time thinking about how I can do better for myself I am pausing my process on trying to help myself and feel better mentally. I don’t feel like I function or interact whole heartedly if when I am out, I am just thinking about how to process, think, and treat things. I feel so uncomfortable in that situation, just thinking and thinking about shitty things all the time while everyone is interacting, I feel small. That zombie isn’t me, nor do I want it to be. So I let the upset stay. Like I mentioned this is not all the time, but lately, I’ve been emotional, I’ve been feeling it, and as well I’ve also been having those moments learning things about myself so there is a lot going on in this small noggin’. That’s why it’s easier to let it stay, I simply just get my fulfillment done in private at home interacting with a few people and can use that as a shield.

I’m super tired so I wanna wrap this up. I started doing this mostly once I hit 17/18. It has been a habit for a little while now. The fantastic news is, I know when I am doing it now, I can acknowledge it and admit it as well. So like most things I just have to take the time to learn it and work around it. I want to know what reasons maybe that I have that led me to this specific pattern. Of course as I’ve said before, some really good daily structure is key to having balance. Right now there isn’t too much balance to be had because of covid and that’s why I took this on and am soaking up my depression right now, because I know it will change and I will have that and I will be able to pivot. This isn’t the best way to go about it, and I definitely wouldn’t recommend any of my friends just gladly welcome it in this way. Sometimes I find a healthy balance between taking this type of personal time and ‘normal’ life, okay. But really it’s just a bad habit when you break it down the way I did, no excuses. So if you’re feeling the same way, you are most certainly not going through that on your own. Drink lots of water, eat good food, get yourself some fresh air, it is all going to work out.

Xx.