6 - growingnglowing - ironic, right?
Hello everyone,
I am feeling the seasons change. I am “going through it”. I am d e p r e s s e d. However I AM happy that I took some time away from this to decompress before posting anything without much filter.
To start this blog, I want to talk briefly about how my depression affects me. I would say that I have seen the worst days in my younger years, nowadays it has more negative impact on my habits. I do better with getting out of bed although I always feel exhausted, but I find that normally my depression will come in shorter bouts lasting a few days to a few weeks. Most times acting behind the scenes but occasionally overwhelming. It is different for everyone but this is how I find it gets to me. As I have gotten older I have realized there are many things I can do to distract, defer, or defend myself from this depression. Friends, drives, sleeping, physical activity - of all kinds. Certainly all of these options come in a different category. Sleeping being a distraction, and dancing is defensive. Everyone is different so it is extremely important that you learn yourself, learn your patterns, and triggers. I was not expecting this to hit me but it is common for me to feel the opposite of how I was feeling a week ago. I was doing a few things to upkeep my lifestyle but I was also expecting this time of year to be testing - as it normally is. I took a few weeks to collect myself and to write to you all because I wanted figure out which direction I was going. I still have no clue. I am working, luckily, but I am uncertain if this will last or if we will have issues and have to close down again. I currently do not have much else going on… which is fine, I like not being out and about as often. I just don’t like that I am not in the habit of going for my fast paced walks, going to the gym, or going to the studio. For myself and my depression I find that the best outlet is something that physically burns that negative energy. It is almost as if it helps me feel exhausted of feeling down. This is the point in the blog where we hit the irony. My last blog was about how good I was starting to feel and how I was defending myself from this seasons bout! Turns out maybe I was deferring. That’s fine. I am starting to come out of it which is why I am writing to you all now! Partly because I am feeling better and partly because I am inspired. I want to write about these things because I think I can learn from others, and others can learn from me.
I would like to appreciate the people who know how to care about me. You know that when I am feeling too much I don’t want to talk, text, FaceTime, go out or spend money. You know that I will reach out to you when I am ready, and you don’t walk away while you are waiting for me to do so. These are also the people who love and support me up front and out loud. I have many strong, beautiful women in my life who inspire, support and teach me daily. That’s what I need. The stories and struggles that have made all of you who you are help shape me. My friends, most of you lifelong, you are incredible. Each one of you have something to fight daily, but you get up, you keep pushing, and you take time out of your day to check on not only me, but everyone in your lives. We love and appreciate all of you, for everything, and with everything.
This blog isn’t over yet. I haven’t written in a while and I know it is all over the map. I will be writing and posting again in a few days, because boy do I have a LOT to tell ya’ll. Hopefully it won’t be so messy of a piece but for right now I just can’t wait to share this with you all so that I can go into some of my next topics!
Clocking out for now, see you soon.